You can Win -- {Chapter 5} Interpersonal skills

Chapter 5

[Interpersonal Skills]

{Building a pleasing personality }

In this chapter we discuss what is interpersonal skills and how it helps us to achieve our success or achieve our dream.

      Interpersonal skills are the qualities and behavior we exhibit while interacting with other people. they are considered to be the most sought and important property of a person. Strong interpersonal skills are a key indicator of success in a working environment, as benefits include the ability to cooperate with teammates to solve difficult problems, as well as simply enhancing your popularity around the office.

I will pay more for the ability to deal with people than for any other ability under the sun. 

--John Rockefeller

People knowledge is more important than product knowledge. We do not have business problems, we have people problems; when we solve our people problems our business problems are substantially resolved. A pleasing personality has the capacity to solve any type of problem that is either in business or in people. A pleasing personality is easy to recognize but hard to define. A pleasing personality is a combination of a persons attitude, behavior, and expression. Wearing a pleasant expression is more important than anything else you wear.

Life is an Echo

A little boy got angry with his mother and shouted at her, "I hate you, I hate you." Because of fear of reprimand, he ran out of the house. He went up to the valley and shouted, "I hate you, I hate you," and back came the echo, "I hate you, I hate you." This was the first time in his life he had heard an echo. He got scared, went to his mother for protection, and said there was a bad boy in the valley who shouted "I hate you, I hate you." The mother understood and she asked her son to go back and shout, "I love you, I love you." The little boy went and shouted, "I love you, I love you," and back came the echo. That taught the little boy a lesson that our life is like an echo: We get back what we give.

 Benjamin Franklin said, "When you are good to others, you are best to yourself." 

We see things not the way they are but the way we are:

Here is an example of this sentence;

There is a legend about a wise man who was sitting outside his village. A traveler came up and asked him, "What kind of people live in this village because I am looking to move from my present one?" The wise man asked, "What kind of people live where you want to move from?" The man said, "They are mean, cruel, rude." The wise man replied, "The same kind of people live in this village too." After some time another traveler came by and asked the same question and the wise man asked him, "What kind of people live where you want to move from?" And the traveler replied, "The people are very kind, courteous, polite and good." The wise man said, "You will find the same kind of people here too." 

What is the moral of the story? 

Generally we see the world not the way it is but the way we are. Most of the time, other people's behavior is a reaction to our own.

Trust

We all know about the trust, we trust those people who are too close to us, and to whom we believe too, but sometimes we realize that we trust a wring people and then we hurt.  So before we trust someone we have to consider some factors that are followings;

• Reliability- gives predictability and comes from commitment.
• Consistency- builds confidence.
• Respect- to self and others gives dignity and show a caring attitude.
• Fairness- appeals to justify and integrity.
• Competence- comes when a person has the ability and attitude to serve.
• Integrity- the key ingredient to trust.
• Character- a person may have all the competence but if he lacks character he can't be trusted.

Trust is a greater relationship than love. There are some people we love but we can't trust them. Relationships are like bank accounts: the more we deposit, the greater they become, therefore, the more we can draw from them.

The difference between Ego and Pride

The key difference between ego and pride is that ego is a sense of self-importance which can lead to arrogance whereas pride is a sense of satisfaction. The biggest hurdle in building a positive relationship is Ego. Ego is negative pride resulting in arrogance. Healthy pride is a feeling of the pleasure of heart.

Egotism is the anesthetic that deadens the pain of stupidity.

--Knute Rockne

The difference between Selfishness and Self-interest

       It is important to understand the distinction between these two words. Selfishness is negative and destructive. It destroys relationships because it is based on negative values. It believes in the win/lose principle. Self-interest is positive. It welcomes prosperity, peace of mind, good health, and happiness. Self-interest believes in win/win. Self-interest is essential for your happiness and well being. Selfishness is different than self-interest. Selfish people tend to be exclusively concerned about only themselves.

Steps To Build A Positive Personality

Step 1: Accept Responsibility

"Responsibility gravitate to the person who can shoulder them."

--Elbert Hubbard

    When people accept additional responsibility they are actually giving themselves a promotion. Responsible behavior is to accept accountability and that represents maturity. Our objective is to cultivate responsible behavior. 

People who don't accept responsibility shift the blame to their parents, teachers, genes, god, fate, luck, or the stars.

The price of greatness is responsibility.        --Winston Churchill

Step 2: Consideration

    One day, a ten-year-old boy went to an ice cream shop, sat at a table and asked the waitress, "How much is an ice-cream cone?" She said, "seventy-five cents." The boy started counting the coins he had in his hand. Then he asked how much a small cup of ice-cream was. The waitress impatiently replied, "sixty-five cents." The boy said, "I will have the small ice-cream cup." He had his ice-cream, paid the bill and left. When the waitress came to pick up the empty plate, she was touched. Underneath were ten one-cent coins as a tip. The little boy had consideration for the waitress before he ordered his ice-cream. He showed sensitivity and caring. He thought of others before himself. 

   If we all thought like the little boy, we would have a great place to live. Show consideration, courtesy, and politeness. Thoughtfulness shows a caring attitude.

Step 3: Think Win/Win

A man died and St. Peter asked him if he would like to go to heaven or hell. The man asked if he could see both before deciding. 

St. Peter took him to hell first and the man saw a big hall with a long table, lots of food on it and music playing. He also saw rows of people with pale, sad faces. They looked starved and there was no laughter. And he observed one more thing. Their hands were tied to four-foot forks and knives and they were trying to get the food from the center of the table to put into their mouths. But they couldn't.

Then, he went to see heaven. There he saw a big hall with a long table, with lots of food on the table and music playing. He noticed rows of people on both sides of the table with their hands tied to four-foot forks and knives also. But he observed there was something different here. People were laughing and were well-fed and healthy-looking. He noticed that they were feeding one another across the table. The result was happiness, prosperity, enjoyment, and gratification because they were not thinking of themselves alone; they were thinking win/win. 

       The same is true of our lives. When we serve our customers, our families, our employers, and employees, we automatically win. 

Step 4: Choose Your Words Carefully

In Indian brief history there was a quote " Word hurts more than any Weapon." 
Our words reflect our attitude. and attitude decides our career. Words can hurt feelings and destroy relationships. Choose what to say rather than say what you choose. That is the difference between wisdom and foolishness.
Excessive talking doesn't mean communication. Talk less: Say more; is thee powerful communication process. 

Step 5: Don't Criticize and Complain

We don't have to criticize others because when we criticize the person, we hurt their self-esteem. the right to criticize comes with the desire to help. As long as the act criticizing does not give pleasure to the giver, it is okay. When criticism becomes a pleasure, it is time to stop.

Here are some suggestions for giving criticize that motivates others;

• Be a coach- criticize with a helpful attitude. A coach criticizes to help improve the performance of the athlete.
• Understanding and concern will act as a motivator.
• Criticize in private not in public. Why? because it maintains goodwill whereas public criticize can be humiliating.
• Show them how they would benefit from correcting their mistake.
• Criticize the performance not the performer. Don't express personal resentment.
• Ask suggestions for improvement.
• The attitude should be corrective rather than punitive.
• Close on a positive note with appreciation.

An inability to accept constructive criticism is a sign of poor self-esteem. Tips for accepting criticism: 

Take it in the right spirit.

Accept it graciously rather than grudgingly.

Learn from it.

Accept it with an open mind, evaluate it and if it makes sense, implement it.

Be thankful for the person who gives constructive criticism because he means well and has helped you.

Complaint: Some peoples are chronic complainers. They complain even if everything goes right. It becomes a personality trait. Does that mean we never complain or invite complaints? Not at all. Just like criticism, if it is done in a positive way, complaints can be very useful.

Step 6: Put a Positive Interpretation of Other People's Behavior

People instinctively put a negative interpretation in the absence of sufficient facts on others actions or inactions. By starting on a positive note, we have a better chance of building a pleasing personality resulting in good relationships.

For example, how often have we put through a call and not get a reply from the other party for two days and the first thought that comes to our mind is, "They never cared to return my call" or "They ignored me." That is negative. Maybe: 

 ¨ they tried, but couldn't get through

 ¨ they left the message we didn't get

 ¨ they had an emergency

 ¨ they never got the message 

There could be many reasons. It is worth giving the benefit of doubt to the other person and starting on a positive note.

Step 7: Be A Good Listener

       When we listen with full attention, you are communicating respect. By offering speakers respect, you likely to gain theirs in return. Attentive listening helps you learn more about others. Knowing more about people is helpful in your professional life as well as personal life. Careful listening helps you clearly understand what people are trying to say and therefore assists to avoid some of the confusion, misunderstanding, and potential conflicts that are common in conversations. People want to do business with people they like. Tou may also find that as you listen to people more, you find more in common, really understand their views and actually, you like them more.

     Listen to feelings and not just words. be open-minded. Don't let preconceived ideas and prejudices prevent you from listening.

Step 8: Be Enthusiastic

Nothing great is ever achieved without enthusiasm.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Enthusiasm inspires confidence, raises morale, builds loyalty, and is priceless. Enthusiasm is contagious.  Enthusiasm is a habit that one can acquire and practice.

      Many decades ago, Charles Schwab, who was earning a salary of a million dollars a year was asked if he was being paid such a high salary because of his exceptional ability to produce steel. Charles Schwab replied, "I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement.

       Live while you are alive. Don't die before you are dead. Enthusiasm and desire are what change mediocrity to excellence. Water turns into steam with a difference of only one degree in temperature and steam can move some of the biggest engines in the world. That is what enthusiasm helps us to do in our lives.

Step 9: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Expensive jeweled are not real gifts; they are apologies for shortcomings. Many times we buy gifts for people to compensate for not spending enough time with them. Real gifts are when you give a part of yourself. The psychologist Willian James said "One of the deepest desires of human beings is the desire to be appreciated." 

    Sincere appreciation is one of the greatest gifts one can give to another person. It makes a person feel important.

Appreciation, in order to be effective, must meet certain criteria;

1. It must be specific.
2. It must be immediate.
3. It must be sincere.
4. After giving appreciation it is not important to wait for a receipt or acknowledgment.
5. Don't qualify praise with a but.

After receiving appreciation, accept it and graciously with a "thank you".

Step 10: When we make a mistake, we should accept it immediately and willingly

When I am wrong, make me easy to change; and when I am right, make me easy to live with. This is a good philosophy to live by. Some people live and learn while others live and never learn. Mistakes are to be learned from. The greatest mistake a person can make is to repeat it. Don't assign blame and make excuses. Don't dwell on it. When you realize your mistake, it is a good idea to accept it and apologize. Don't defend it. Why? Acceptance disarms the other person.

Step 11: Discuss But Don't Argue

There is a big difference between discussing and argue that is;
Discussion the action or process of talking about something in order to reach a decision or to exchange ideas. Whereas argue a reason or set of reasons given with the aim of persuading others that an action or idea is right or wrong. Winners or achievers always talk with decency and they always try to make discussion not arguments. When we discuss we treat people as partners in a problem-solving session; wherein argument we treat other people as opponents to be defeated.
   The more arguments you win, the fewer friends you have.

• An argument throws heat; a discussion throws light.
• One stems from ego and a closed mind whereas the other comes from an open mind.
• An argument is an exchange of ignorance whereas a discussion is an exchange of knowledge.
• An argument is an expression of temper whereas a discussion is an expression of logic.
• An argument tries to prove who is right whereas a discussion tries to prove what is right.

Steps to opening a discussion

1. Be open-minded.
2. Don't be dragged into an argument.
3. Don't interrupt.
4. Listen to another persons point of view before giving your own.
5. Ask questions to clarify. That will also set the other person thinking.
6. Be flexible on petty things but not on principles.
7. Don't make it a prestige issue.
8. Give your opponent a graceful way to withdraw without hurting his pride. rejection can be hurtful.
9. Use soft words but hard arguments rather than hard words and soft arguments.

Step 12: Turn your Promises into Commitments

       
         What is the difference between promises and commitments? A is a statement of intent. A commitment is a promise that is going to be kept no matter what. Uncommitted relationships are pretty shallow and hollow. They are a matter of convenience and are temporary. Nothing lasting has never been created without commitment.

Commitment leads to enduring relationships through thick and thin. It shows a persons personality an relationship.

When people ask others to do something for them by using the phrase "By the way, can you do this for me?" They undermine the importance of doing or not doing. I have found that if we have to do anything for anyone it is never "by the way, it is always out of the way."

Step 13:Pracice Honesty, Integrity, and Sincerity

        Sometimes the brightness of truth does not enlighten but blinds the evil. 
Honesty means being genuine and real versus fake and fictitious. 
Be labeled or build a reputation of being trustworthy. If there is one thing that builds any kind of relationship at home, at work, or socially, it is integrity. 
Not keeping commitments amounts to dishonest behavior. 
     Honesty inspires openness, reliability, and frankness. It shows respect for one's self and others. Honesty is in being, not in appearing to be. Lies may have speed but truth has endurance. Integrity is not found in company brochures or titles but in a person's character. 
     Is it worth compromising one's integrity and taking shortcuts to win? A person may win a trophy but knowing the truth, can never be a happy person. More important than winning a trophy is being a good human being.

         There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This angered him and he took the farmer to court. The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure. The farmer replied, amour Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measure, but I do have a scale." The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the butter?" The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker." What is the moral of the story? We get back in life what we give to others

We have to ask ourselves when we are going to take action: Am I giving fair value for the wages or money I hope to make?
Honesty and dishonesty become a habit. 
In the above example moral is be honest to everyone either he is our relatively outer person.

Truth May Not Always Be What You Want To Hear

One can be truthful without being cruel but that may not always be the case. The most important responsibility of an honest friend is to be truthful. Some people, in order to avoid confronting painful truths, select friends who tell them what they want to hear. They kid themselves despite the fact that deep down they know they are not being truthful. Honest criticism can be painful. If you have many acquaintances and few friends, it is time to step back and explore the depth of your relationships. A lack of honesty is sometimes labeled as tact, public relations, or politics. But is it really so? 

The problem with lying is that one has to remember one's lies. 

Honesty requires firmness and commitment. How many times have we all been guilty of 

¨ little white lies? 

¨ flattery? 

¨ omitting facts or giving half-truths? 

¨ telling the greatest lies by remaining silent? 

Make yourself an honest man and then you may be sure there is one rascal less in the world. 

--Thomas Carlyle

Step 14: Practice Humility

Confidence without humility is arrogance. Humility is the foundation of all virtues. It is a sign of greatness. Sincere humility attracts but false humility detracts.

     Many years ago, a rider came across some soldiers who were trying to move a heavy log without success. The corporal was standing by as the men struggled. The rider asked the corporal why he wasn't helping. The corporal replied, "I am the corporal; I give orders." The rider dismounted, went up and stood by the soldiers, and as they were lifting the log, he helped them. With his help, the log got moved. The rider quietly mounted his horse and went to the corporal and said, "The next time your men need help, send for the Commander-in-Chief." After he left, the corporal and his men found out that the rider was George Washington. 

The message is pretty clear. Success and humility go hand in hand.

Step 15: Be Understanding and Caring

Some time in a relationship the problem is not the person the main problem is that someone can't understand the feelings or they can't understand the real meaning of caring.

In relationships we all make mistakes and sometimes we are insensitive to the needs of others, especially those very close to us. All this leads to disappointment and resentment. The answer to handling disappointment is understanding. Relationships don't come about because people are perfect. They come about because of understanding. There is more gratification in being a caring person than just being a nice person. A caring attitude builds goodwill which is the best kind of insurance that a person can have and it doesn't cost a thing. Some people substitute money for caring and understanding. Being understanding is far more important than money and the best way to be understood is to be understanding. And the basis of real communication is also to be understanding.

   Generosity is a sign of emotional maturity. Being generous is being thoughtful and considerate without being asked.

    Tact is very important in any relationship. Tact is the ability to make a point without alienating the other person.

Step 16: Practice Courtesy on a Daily Basis

    Courtesy is nothing but is showing politeness in one's attitude and behavior towards others. A courteous person who is not very sharp, will go further in life than a discourteous but sharp person. It is the little thing that makes a big difference. No one is too big or too busy to practice courtesy. Courtesy means giving your seat to the elderly or to the disabled. Courtesy can be a warm smile, a thank you. It is a small investment but the payoffs are big.

     Courtesy and manners go hand in hand. It is equally important, if not more, to practice manners at home and not just on outsiders. Showing consideration and good manners brings out a feeling of warmth and acceptance in the home. Courtesy means practicing good manners.

Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength. 

--Eric Hoffer

Step 17: Develop a Sense of Humor

Have a sense of humor and you will possess the ability to laugh at yourself. A sense of humor makes a person likable and attractive. Some people are humor-impaired. Learn to laugh at yourself because it is the safest humor. Laughing at yourself gives you the energy to bounce back. Laughter is a natural tranquilizer for people all over the world. Humor may not change the message, but it certainly can help to take the sting out of the bite.

    Dr. Norman Cousins, author of Anatomy of an illness, is a prime example of how a person can cure himself of a terminal illness. He had a 1-in-500 chance of recovery, but Cousin wanted to prove that if there was anything like mind over matter, hed make it a reality. He figured if negative emotions caused negative chemicals in our body, then the reverse must be true too. Positive emotions, like happiness and laughter, would bring positive chemicals into our system. He moved from the hospital to a hotel and rented humorous movies and literally cured himself by laughing. Of course, medical help is important, but the will to live for the patient is equally, if not more, important.
A funny bone could be a lifesaver. Besides, it makes life's adversities easier to handle. 

Step 18: To have a Friend, Be a Friend

We keep looking for the right employee, spouse, parent, child, and so on. We forget that we have to be the right person too. Experience has shown that there is no perfect person, no perfect job, no perfect spouse. When we look for perfection, we are disappointed because all we find is that we traded one set of problems for another set of problems. 

      Friendship takes sacrifice. Building friendships and relationships takes sacrifice, loyalty, and maturity. Sacrifice takes going out of one's way and never happens by the way. Selfishness destroys friendships. We must learn to recognize counterfeit relationships. True friendship gives more than it gets and stands by adversity.

Step 19: Show Empathy

The wrong we do to others and what we suffer are weighed differently. Empathy alone is a very important characteristic of a positive personality. People with empathy ask themselves this question: "How would I feel if someone treated me that way?"

A boy went to the pet store to buy a puppy. Four of them were sitting together, priced at $50 each. Then there was one sitting alone in a corner. The boy asked if that was from the same litter, if it was for sale, and why it was sitting alone. The store owner replied that it was from the same litter, it was a deformed one, and not for sale. The boy asked what the deformity was. The store owner replied that the puppy was born without a hip socket and had a leg missing. The boy asked, "What will you do with this one?" The reply was it would be put to sleep. The boy asked if he could play with that puppy. The store owner said, "Sure." The boy picked the puppy up and the puppy licked him on the ear. Instantly the boy decided that was the puppy he wanted to buy. The store owner said "That is not for sale!" The boy insisted. The store owner agreed. The boy pulled out $2 from his pocket and ran to get $48 from his mother. As he reached the door the store owner shouted after him, "I don't understand why you would pay full money for this one when you could buy a good one for the same price." The boy didn't say a word. He just lifted his left trouser leg and he was wearing a brace. The pet store owner said, "I understand. Go ahead, take this one." 

This is empathy. 

Difference between Sympathy and Empathy:

Empathy:

• Understanding what others are feeling because you have experienced it yourself or can put yourself in their places.
• Example “ I know it's not easy to lose weight because I have face the same problem myself”.
• It is a relationship like Personal understanding.
• It has some scopes; Personal; it can be one too many in some circumstances.

Sympathy

• Acknowledging another person’s emotional hardship and providing comfort and assurance.
• Example "Trying to lose weight can often like an uphill battle.”
• It is a relationship like Understanding the experience of others.
• It has some scopes; From one to another person or one to many (or one to a group).

*****

So, guys, this is all about our fifth chapter  Interpersonal skills.

Our next chapter is the Subconscious mind and habit which is coming soon....!!

Chapter6--https://booksummarydk.blogspot.com/2020/05/chapter-6-subconscious-mind-and-habbit.html

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