You can Win -- { Chapter 4} Self-esteem

Chapter 4

SELF-ESTEEM

Building a positive self-esteem

In psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person's overall sense of self-worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself.

• Self-esteem is often seen as a personality trait, which means that it tends to be stable and enduring.

• Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about yourself, such as the appraisal of your own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors.

Self-esteem can play a significant role in your motivation and success throughout your life. Low self-esteem may hold you back from succeeding at school or work because you don't believe yourself to be capable of success. By contrast, having a healthy self-esteem can help you achieve because you navigate life with a positive, assertive attitude and believe you can accomplish your goals. 

Here is a perfect example of self-esteem;
       A beggar was sitting at the train station with a bowl full of pencils. A young executive passed by and dropped a dollar in the bowl. He then boarded the train. Before the doors closed, something came to his mind and he went back to the beggar, grabbed a bunch of pencils, and said, "They are priced right. After all you are a business person and so am I," and he left. Six months later, the executive attended a party. The beggar was also there in a suit and tie. The beggar recognized the executive, went up to him, and said, "You probably don't recognize me but I remember you." He then narrated the incident that happened six months before. The executive said, "Now that you have reminded me, I do recall that you were begging. What are you doing here in your suit and tie?" The beggar replied, "You probably don't know what you did for me that day. You were the first person in my life who gave me back my dignity. You grabbed the bunch of pencils and said, 'They are priced right. After all, you are a business person and so am 1.' After you left, I thought to myself, what am I doing here? Why am I begging? I decided to do something constructive with my life. I packed my bag, started working, and here I am. I Just want to thank you for giving me back my dignity. That incident changed my life."
        The moral of the story is the beggar’s self-esteem changes his mindset and way of thinking upon his own life, then he tries to change his life and he did because of that young man. Self-esteem is a major component in determining success or failure. High self-esteem leads to a happy, gratifying and purposeful life. People with high self-esteem grow in conviction, competence, and willingness to accept responsibility. They never care about what other people talking about him, they never care about complaints, criticism; they only care about their performance and they always think about how they can improve their performance towards their work. They are always ready to take risks and take new responsibilities.  Self-esteem is a feeling which comes from an awareness of what is good and having done it.

Advantages of Self-esteem: -

• Builds a strong conviction.
• It creates a willingness to accept responsibility.
• builds an optimistic attitude.
• Leads to a better relationship and fulfilling lives.
• It makes a person more sensitive to others needs and develops a caring attitude.
• It makes a person self-motivated and ambitious.
• It makes a person open to new opportunities and challenges.
• Improves performance and increases risk-taking ability.
• It helps a person give and receive both criticism and compliments tactfully and easily.

How do we recognize the people with poor self-esteem: -

The following are is a brief list, which is not all-inclusive but indicative.

• They are generally gossip mongers.
• They have a critical nature.
• They criticize as if there is a contest going on and they have to win a prize.
• They have high egos.
• They are arrogant and believe they know it all.
• People with low self-esteem are generally difficult to work and for.
• They constantly make excuses and always justifying failures.
• They never accept responsibility and always blaming others.
• They have a fatalistic attitude no initiative and always for things to happen.
• They are jealous by nature.
• They are unwilling to accept positive criticism.
• They are touchy in nature- this is called the fragile ego. Anytime something is said, a person with a fragile ego takes it personally and gets hurt. It leads to dejection.

Some differences between high self-esteem and low self-esteem people:      

                                    

High self-esteem	Low self-esteem
Talk about ideas	Talk about people
Caring attitude	Critical attitude
Humility	Arrogance
Respects authority	Rebels against authority
Confidence	Confusion
Concerned about conviction	Concerned about reputation
Accepts responsibility	Blames the whole world
Self-interest	Selfish
Optimistic	Fatalistic
Understanding	Greedy
Willing to learn	Feels know it all.
Sensitive	Touchy
Solitude	Lonely
Discuss	Argue
Believe in self-worth	Believe in net-worth only
Guided	Misguided
Discipline	Distorted sense of freedom
Internally driven	Externally driven
Respects others	Looks down on others
Enjoy decency	Enjoys vulgarity
Knows limit	Everything goes
Giver	Taker

Our character can be judged by everything we do or don't, like or don't likes, such as;

• The kind of movies we enjoy
• The kind of music we listen to
• The kind of company we keep or avoid
• The kind of jokes we tell or laugh at.
• The kind of books we read.

Self-esteem is also of two types that are positive and negative.

Positive self-esteem	Negative self-esteem
Self-respect	Self-put down
Self-confidence	Self-doubt
Self-worth	Self-abuse
Self-acceptance	Self-denial
Self-love	Self-centered ness
Self-knowledge	Self-deceit
Self-discipline	Self-indulgence

There are some causes of low self-esteem; which are followings 

• I have a poor memory.
• I am not good at math.
• I am not an athlete.
• I am tired.
• I am not so talented. etc..

Such statements only reinforced the negative and put ourselves down. Very soon our mind starts believing these statements and our behavior changes accordingly.

 If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

 If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate it.

If a child lives with hostility, he learns tonight.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

           This is how we can teach our child to be honest and be positive towards their life, then only they become a successful person in their life, no matter that child is a boy or a girl or talented or talentless, able-bodied or disabled matter is its self-esteem and confidence we provide them.

Failure or Success: A Ripple effect

         There is a lot of truth in the statement, "success breeds success and failure breeds failure." In sports, we often see that whenever the champion's morale is low--and it does get low at some point--the coach will never put him up against a good fighter because if he suffers one more defeat, his self-esteem will go even lower. To bring his self-confidence back, the coach pits him against a weak opponent, and that victory raises his self-esteem. A slightly stronger opponent is next and that victory brings up the level of confidence, and on and on until the day comes when the champion is ready to face the ultimate challenge.

      With every success, self-confidence goes up and it is easier to succeed the next time. For this reason, any good leader, be it a parent, teacher, or supervisor, would start a child off with easy tasks. With every successful completion, the child's level of confidence and self-esteem go up. Add to that positive strokes of encouragement, and this will start solidifying positive self-esteem. Our responsibility is to help break the chain of failure and put ourselves and our children into the chain of success.

    To build self-esteem the most important obstacle is lack of discipline; to avoid this obstacle first we have to know clearly what is Discipline; let's discuss what is discipline:

Discipline doesn't mean a person takes a belt and beats up kinds. That is madness. Discipline is loving firmness. It is a direction. It is prevention before a problem arises. It is harnessing and channeling energy for a great performance. Discipline is not something you do to but you do for those you care about.

        Discipline is an act of love. Sometimes you have to be unkind to be kind: Not all medicine is sweet, not all surgery is painless, but we have to take it. We need to leam from nature. We are all familiar with that big animal, the giraffe. A mama giraffe gives birth to a baby giraffe, standing. All of a sudden, the baby falls on a hard surface from the cushion of mama's womb, and sits on the ground. The first thing mama does is to get behind the baby and give him a hard kick. The baby gets up, but his legs are weak and wobbly and the baby falls down. Mama goes behind again and gives him one more kick. The baby gets up but sits down again. Mama keeps kicking till the baby gets on its feet and starts moving. Why? Because mama knows that the only chance of survival for the baby in the jungle is to get on its feet. Otherwise it will be eaten up by wildcats and become dead meat.

     Discipline gives us freedom. There is a misconception that freedom means doing your own thing. One cannot always have what one desires. Many times it is not easy to comprehend the benefits of good values and discipline. It may even seem more profitable, enjoyable, and convenient to do otherwise. All we need to do is see countless instances where lack of discipline has prevented people from succeeding. What we think is pulling us down is really taking us up. That is what discipline is all about.

       A boy was flying a kite with his father and asked him what kept the kite up. Dad replied, "The string." The boy said, "Dad, it is the string that is holding the kite down." The father asked his son to watch as he broke the string. Guess what happened to the kite? It came down. Isn't that true in life? Sometimes the very things that we think are holding us down are the things that are helping us fly. That is what discipline is all about. 

 Labels stick for life. When the kids grow up they will be sure to prove the parents right. Labels do not only stick for life but for generations. The caste system in India is a prime example of how labeling can hurt. Upper caste or lower caste, "If it is not a label, what is it?" 

Common put-downs parents say to their kids are: 

¨ You are dumb. 

¨ You never do anything right. 

¨ You will never amount to anything.

Steps to build positive Self-esteem:

• Turn scars into star

Read the life histories of people who have turned a negative into a positive, adversity into advantage, stumbling blocks into stepping stones. They refuse to let disappointment and failures pull them down. 

       Some of the best music was composed by Beethoven. What was his handicap? He was deaf. Some of the best poetry written on nature was written by Milton. What was his handicap? He was blind. One of the greatest world leaders was US President Franklin D. Roosevelt. What was his handicap? He served from a wheelchair. 

• Learn intelligent ignorance

Education teaches us what we can do and also teaches us what we cannot do.

 I'm looking for a lot of men with an infinite capacity for not knowing what cannot be done.

--Henry Ford 

Henry Ford gave this world the V8 engine. He did not have much formal education. In fact, he did not go to school beyond the age of 14. He was intelligent enough to know there had to be a V8 engine but he was ignorant and didn't know how to build it. 

       So he asked all his highly qualified, educated people to build one. But they told him what could be done and what couldn't. According to them, a V8 was an impossibility. But Henry Ford insisted on having his V8. A few months later he asked his people if they had the V8 and they replied, "We know what can be done and we also know what cannot be done and V8 is an impossibility." This went on for many months and still Henry Ford said, "I want my V8." And shortly thereafter the same people produced his V8 engine. 

How come? They let their imagination run beyond academic limitations. Education teaches us what can be done and sometimes also teaches us false limitations. 

• Do something for others who cannot repay you

Be a volunteer. It builds self-worth. Helping others as you would expect others to help you gives a feeling of gratification. It is a good feeling which represents high self-esteem. The process of giving without having expectations or getting anything in return raises one's self-esteem.

• Accept responsibility

We need to accept responsibility for our behavior and our actions and insulate ourselves from excuses. We have to accept the responsibility and stop blaming others, then and only then, will productivity and quality of life improve.

Our privileges can be no greater than our obligations. The protection of our rights can endure no longer than the performance of our responsibilities. 

-John F. Kennedy

Self-discipline does not kill joy but builds it. You see people with talent and ability, and yet they unsuccessful. They are frustrated and the same behavior pattern affects their business, their health, and their relationships with others.

• Set goals

Well-defined goals give a person a sense of direction, a feeling of accomplishment when he reaches his goals. More important than goals is a sense of purpose and vision. It gives meaning and fulfillment to life. What we get upon achieving our goals is a lot less important than what we become. It is the becoming which gives us a good feeling. That is what self-esteem is all about. In goal-setting, we need to be realistic. Unrealistic goals remain unaccomplished, leading to poor self-esteem, whereas realistic goals are encouraging and build high self-esteem.

Associate yourself with people of good quality if you esteem your reputation for it is better to be alone than to be in bad company. 

   --George Washington

Always try to become internally driven not externally driven. Externally driven gives you self-esteem for a temporary time but when you have driven internally then only your self-esteem will become permanent till we rich to success.

No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. 

--Eleanor Roosevelt

• Develop a mindset that brings Happiness

   Bitterness is a sign of emotional failure. It paralyzes our capacity to do good. Set your own standards. Be honest with yourself. Compete against yourself. Do the following: 

¨ Look for the positive in every person and in every situation. 

¨ Resolve to be happy. 

¨ Set your own standards judiciously. 

¨ Develop an immunity to negative criticism. 

¨ Learn to find pleasure in every little thing. 

¨ Remember all times are not the same. Ups and downs are part of life. 

¨ Make the best of every situation. ¨ Keep yourself constructively occupied. 

¨ Help others less fortunate than yourself. 

¨ Learn to get over things. Don't brood. 

¨ Forgive yourself and others. Don't hold guilt or bear grudges.

       Develop the habit of giving yourself positive self-talk. Auto-suggestions alter our belief system by influencing the subconscious mind. Our behavior reflects our belief system. Hence auto-suggestions affect our behavior by influencing our belief system. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Examples: 

¨ I can handle it. 

¨ I can do it. 

¨ I am good at math. 

¨ I have a good memory. 

• Have patience

     A lot of times we hear people saying that one exposure to a positive or a negative material does not have any impact. That is not true. The difference may not be visible but something is happening. 

In China there is a bamboo tree which is planted, watered and fertilized for the first four years and nothing happens. There is no visible sign of growth. But sometime during the fifth year, the bamboo tree grows about 90 feet in six weeks. The question is: Did the bamboo tree grow in six weeks or did it take five years to grow even though there was no visible sign it was taking root in the ground? When there was no visible sign, if someone had stopped watering and fertilizing it, would this have happened? Certainly not. The bamboo tree would have died. We need to learn from nature and the lesson is pretty clear. Have patience and faith and keep doing the right thing. Even though the results may not be visible, something is happening. 

To implement these strategies to your life we have to follow the action plan;

1. Read life stories of people who have turned negatives into positive. Make reading good books or listening to inspirational audio tapes part of your daily routine.
2. Stay away from negative influences. Don't give in to peer pressure.
3. Practice giving and receiving sincere components graciously.
4. Start accepting responsibility for your behavior and actions.
5. Practice self-discipline even when it is not comfortable.
6. Associate with people of high moral character.
7. Be creative and find ways to turn your weakness into strengths.
8. Practice patience.

Chapter 5 -- https://booksummarydk.blogspot.com/2020/05/chapter-5-interpersonal-skills.html                

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This is all about today's chapter Self-esteem.

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